Sexuality is weird.
At 16, I came out to my two best friends as bisexual because I thought that if they thought I liked girls they would still view me as semi-normal. I remember how offended I got when one of my best friends was like, “You’re not bi, you’re gay.” How dare she… tell the truth.
Then when I was around the age of 18, I finally admitted to myself that I was gay. It was hard to admit and was even harder to say out loud, but I decided that there’s nothing I can do about it because it’s who I was.
Last year was when I fell back into the confused category. I went through this phase where I was getting aroused because of certain female celebrities. It felt wrong and dirty and it was like I was 18 again, except instead of denying my homosexuality, I was denying being attracted to girls.
Fast forward to now and I’m just like, “What the fuck is going on?” I’m 21 and I feel like I should know who I am and what I am. I feel like I’m asexual, as in I’m honestly not attracted to anyone, but I don’t know if those feelings are genuine or if they’re just my social anxiety making me afraid of people as opposed to not being attracted to them. Then again, the idea of actually having sex with someone often times turns my stomach.
I’m usually not here for terms like asexual, pansexual, carsexual, or whatever else there is, but I came across demisexual a li’l while ago and it seems to be what or who I am (minus the whole Demi thing because I SERIOUSLY cannot stand Demi Lovato).
A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to someone else (whether the feelings are romantic love or deep friendship), the demisexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners.
That, the whole “not-attracted-to-anyone-unless-there’s-a-connection” bit, has been the one constant thing since I was 16, and I believe is the thing I’ve been confusing for asexuality. Like, it’s totally me, because when I think about it, the only people I’ve ever been attracted to sexually or otherwise have been people I’ve felt a deep connection with (yes, I feel weird, irrational connections with certain male celebrities). I mean, I’ve always found it so odd how people can just have sex with anyone without there being strings attached. I could never do that. I could never share myself like that without someone, anyone, unless I felt a personal connection with them. But at the same time, because of that “unless-there’s-a-connection” thing, I’m starting to feel like I’m automatically attracted to anyone and everyone I share a connection with, meaning my friends, and, hello, that is not okay because all of my friends are fives and I’m a ten.
So here I am having a sexual identity crisis at the tender age of 21 because my brain can’t decide if I like people or if I don’t or if I’m just meant to be alone for the rest of my life.
Advice and any words of solace are always welcome.